The Manchester Derby ended in an 8-8 draw today, although United were adamant that the three points should be theirs as they were on top and would have won had the game not had to be abandoned due to bad light.

Before the game started, there was an argument as to which ball should be used. Ander Herrera wanted to use the Official Premier League ball he had just brought from SportsDirect, but a number of Manchester City players complained that it was too heavy. In the end a truce was reached; Samir Nasri’s ball was to be used in the first half, with Herrera’s used in the second.

Vincent Kompany had a portable goal, which City attacked in the first half, with United playing towards a pair of jumpers. It was agreed that they would switch sides, as well as balls, after one team hit five goals.

20 seconds into the game, Daley Blind’s powerful drive flew between the cones, but Joe Hart was adamant that he wasn’t ready and the goal shouldn’t have stood. Hart refused to play until the goal was disallowed so Michael Carrick, acting as peacemaker, was forced to disallow it.

City  took the lead soon after, when United’s tactic of playing rush goalie failed them, as last man back Marcos Rojo was buy updating his twitter status, allowing Aguero to stop on the line, fall to his knees and nod the ball into the net. United were furious with this lack of sportsmanship, with Rooney making his feelings known, before being shouted down by Kompany, who called him a “bad loser”.

City then wasted a gilt edged chance to go 2-0 up. Navas, with Aguero in a fantastic position to his right elected to shoot from a difficult angle, which resulted in a furious Aguero declaring him a “hogger.”

Manchester United’s equaliser was also cause for argument. A free kick from Di Maria, awarded for obstruction after Clichy sat on the ball, sailed over Hart, with the City contingent convinced it had gone over,while Di Maria argued that Hart would have reached it had the jumped higher. Carrick, again acting as peacemaker, awarded his side a penalty, which Rooney duly converted. Still angry about his original goal being chalked off, Di Maria went into a “mardy” and sat cross legged on the touchline with his head in his hands for five minutes.

A second United goal resulted in more heated debate between the two sides; a shot from Rooney was heading over the line, when Fellaini appeared and tapped it in “just to make sure”. A livid Rooney branded Fellaini a “goal stealer” and insisted the goal was credited to him. Having lost their lead, City temporarily lost a player, with Demichelis unfortunately stepping in dog dirt that had been deposited inside the penalty area. A reluctant Hart was on hand to clean up the mess, and play was allowed to resume, once Demichelis had sufficiently cleaned his boots.

City got back on terms with a moment of brilliance from David Silva, who set himself up for a stupendous volley past De Gea, who had no complaints. Play again ground to a halt as Silva insisted on an “action replay”, which took a good ten minutes to replicate

Manchester United went in front, as usual in controversial fashion. A shot from Mata went wide, and Rooney persuaded Hart to allow him to play on rather than take a goal kick. Rooney trotted back on the pitch, turned, and blasted the ball past Hart, and then proceeded to wave a fist in Fellaini’s face.

The game’s second penalty was awarded to City, as Yaya Toure was roughly shoved to the ground by Phil Jones, who insisted it was a shoulder barge, rather than an elbow, and attempted to demonstrate the difference on Marcos Rojo. Aguero missed the original spot kick, but insisted upon a retake as De Gea was putting him off. The retaken spot kick was hit low to De Gea’s right. The equaliser spurred City on, and within moments they had gained the lead, this time in comical fashion. Phil Jones attempted a back pass, unaware that De Gea had vacated his goal to join the attack, and watched horrified as the ball rolled into the net, despite his desperate attempts to get back.

Half time was then called as City got their fifth, but it was another goal that resulted in friction between team mates. Fernando, through on goal was suddenly confronted by a furious Nasri, who pushed him out of the way, screaming “LET ME SCORE! I HAVEN’T SCORED YET!” and hammered the ball past a bemused De Gea.

The second half kicked off with Herrera’s ball being used, but not before a debate that the ball was not properly pumped up was settled. A delay occurred as Herrera drove back to his house to pump the ball up according to regulations. Man City had a moment of charity, and decided that United could have Jesus Navas as an extra man, as “We’ll win easily anyway”.

The next goal would be crucial, and it was United who got it, and again it was down to inadequate defending. Joe Hart spotted an attractive woman walking past and decided to show off. He attempted to kick the ball against the post and back into his hands, but misjudged the flight of the ball and could only look on aghast as it flew back into the net. United’s joy was short lived though; Fellaini decided to join in on City’s side, as he didn’t want to be on the losing team.

City regained their two goal advantage with another debatable goal. A shot from Fellaini rolled over the left hand jumper and into the net, with the goal empty due to United committing men forward. Furious United players argued that the ball would have hit the outside of the post and rebounded away had there been one, but City’s players countered with “but there wasn’t a post, so it doesn’t matter.” United hit back with a moment of trickery of their own. A cunning Di Maria convinced an unwitting Fernando that he was on City’s side now, and persuaded him to pass him the ball. He then gleefully “skinned” Clichy and arrowed the ball into the top corner to bring United back into the game.

Fellaini, seeing United might win afterall, rejoined the Red Devils, with Navas leaving the field to go to the toilet. Yet again, City regained a two goal advantage. Not for the first time in the game, Manchester United were left short on the goalkeeper front, and a long goal kick by Hart bounced into the net. United heads went down, and City appeared to have killed the game off, as Fernando took revenge on Nasri by tackling him just as he was about to score, shouting “Bloody hell, look at that over there!” at De Gea to distract him, and scoring to give City an 8-5 lead.

Another delay then occurred with a dog escaping onto the pitch and running off with the ball. The delay lasted 20 minutes before the dog was called off by its apologetic owner.

The delay served Manchester United well and they responded with a quick fire double. First, Di Maria scored a free kick, awarded despite claims by City that he had “played on” after being fouled by Zabaleta, beating the 10 man wall, that had positioned itself three yards in front of him, and this was followed by a goal from Carrick, who noticed Hart busy checking other scores on his mobile, and deftly lobbed him from 40 yards, A furious Hart again claimed that he wasn’t ready, but it was unanimously agreed that he should have been.

The final goal of the game came as it began to get increasingly dark. Radamel Falcao, on in place of Rooney, who had a stitch, received a long ball from Jones, and tapped it into an empty net. Falcao refuted claims for offside by saying “We’re not playing offside” and laughed off chants of “Goal hanger!” from Toure and Kompany.

Then came the major talking point. It had become too dark to see the ball, and City decided it had become too dark for them to play. Wayne Rooney was in agreement, but insisted his team be awarded the win, as “we would have won, we were on top.” A furious fight broke out, which culminated in Nasri spitefully kicking Herrera’s ball into a pile of stinging nettles.

Final score:
Manchester United 8-8 Manchester City (Man United awarded themselves the win as “We would have won if we’d played on for longer anyway)